Fowl Days
by Holly's Home Girl
Summary: This is a random story about what Artemis does on weekends. Really everything in these stories are fake...they could never happen...or could they? Everyone is really out of character so be prepared. My first fan fiction!
1. Fowl Friday

DisclaimerI don't own any character in this story except Bob...and he dies...

Author's note Wow this is my first fan fic! I like to thank my friends who inspired me! They are all very random! Yes this story is random...if you don't like random too bad... ;;

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A Fowl Friday

Artemis was sitting at his new computer from Japan. He paid off some guy who worked at the factory so he could get it before it was released. He had put together the entire system in under ten minutes…without using a manual.

Artemis was about to turn on his computer when he heard a shriek. He quickly got up and…

Butler was already in motion running to where the sound had come from. He jumped off the ledge in the entrance hall and then realized he was on the fourth floor. He landed on his feet though…but broke both his kneecaps.

Artemis was the only one now who could go. He ran to the door and opened it…

IT WAS HOLLY!

Artemis nearly fell over. He looked over Holly's shoulder to see if anyone else was there. There was no one there.

He looked at Holly, she was smiling so much it was almost scary, and to top it all off she was holding a potato with strange markings that made it look like a smiley face. The little knobby things that usually come out of potatoes were in the center of the eye shaped area.

"Holly…umm…did you scream?" Artemis asked, "And what's with the potato?"

"I am better than ever! I just stopped by to tell you that I am getting married!"

Artemis nearly toppled over.

"Married! To who!"

"Tee hee…meet Bob."

Artemis looked around, and didn't see anyone. Then he realized she was holding up the potato.

"You don't mean…"

"What don't you like Bob?" Holly then began to cry.

"Calm down! Umm…I think Bob is wonderful…"

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeally?" said Holly, perking up.

"Yes."

"Yippee!"

Holly ran into the house and ran up the stairs, ignoring Butler crying on the floor, and into Juliet's room. Artemis ran after her. He had to stop her! No one ever went into Juliet's room but Juliet herself.

Holly ran down the hallway and opened Juliet's door…Artemis screamed, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The opened door revealed a lime green room with pink polka dots all over it.

"Huh?" said Artemis, as he nearly fainted. The events of the day were now taking its toll on Artemis.

Juliet was sitting in the middle of the room playing with Malibu Barbie dolls. She looked really pale and was gaping at the two people in her door.

"Uh…I can explain…"

"OOOOOOOOOH," said Holly, "MALIBU BARBIE!" Holly ran over to join Juliet in her game.

"Everybody out!" screamed a miserable Juliet. No one is allowed in Juliet's room. She picked up Holly and Artemis and literally threw them out. They flew off the same ledge that Butler jumped off of earlier. Only they landed softly…on Butler's stomach…

"Ooooh" said Butler who was now in extreme pain.

"Thank you, Butler, for having a big squishy belly!"

"Uh?" said Butler in reply.

Holly took out Bob and started to kiss him in the middle of the entrance hall. Butler passed out from exhaustion. Then in the middle of all this madness, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." said a deeply confused Artemis.

He opened the door and in popped Harry Potter, in full wizard wardrobe. He jumped in and knocked over the already confused Artemis Fowl. He pointed his wand at him and said, "Where is Voldemort?"

"Wrong story!" said Artemis.

"Oh. Well I'm gonna look around anyway"

"Alright I will bring you around the house."

"Ooooh! I want to come too!" said Holly and she actually put the stupid potato in Artemis's pants.

"Ack!" he said, he reached in and took out the potato, "Holly, how long have you known Bob?"

"Since last week when I bought him at the grocery store."

"…"

Artemis began the tour. He showed them every room except for Juliet's. He also took them to the roof…big mistake…

"As you can see Mr.…"

"Potter"

"Yes, Mr. Potter as you can see there is no one named Voldemort here."

"Sorry for the mistake."

"It is quite alri---

"Who's that?" Holly interrupted.

Suddenly Artemis' stomach sank as he saw a masked figure with a cape and a top hat hiding behind the chimney. He was neither an elf nor human, by Artemis's standards anyway.

"VOLDEMORT!" shouted Harry.

"…"said Voldemort.

Voldemort seemed to be in a trance.

"Holly the elf, what's your favorite color!"

"I like…no one's ever asked me before…red…cause of blood…" replied Voldemort in a cheery tone. This scared both Artemis and Harry.

Artemis was very very confused by now.

"Will you be my friend?" said Holly

"Okay!"

"Can you fly?"

"I never tried before…"

Holly jumped into the air and turned on her hummingbird 2 which was so fast you couldn't even see the wings. This was the reason Voldemort did the following.

He turned to everyone and said, "I can fly!" Then he jumped off the roof. The next thing everyone heard was a sickening splat.

"NOOO! Shield your eyes Bob!" said, obviously, Holly.

"Who's Bo--?"

"Don't ask."

"At least I avenged my parents."

"What are you talking about he jumped off!"

"Yeah, but he is still dead."

"True."

Artemis then escorted them down the stairs, again ignoring Butler's unconscious body. But about half way down someone flipped through the window.

"NOT AGAIN!"

Oh yes another intruder. Yippee.

"I am Opal Koboi!"

"I am Diamond I. Enderson." said Holly; she seemed to believe Opal was joking.

"Really I must be…hey you're Holly!" Opal growled, flames literally dancing in her eyes, "HELP NY EYES ARE ON FIRE!"

Holly threw a bucket at Opal; the bucket was filled with bleach from the laundry.

"EEEK!" screamed Opal, her skin burning.

"Ohhhhh…" said everyone in amazement as she began to melt

"Just kidding!" said Opal.

"Hey shouldn't you be in jail?" asked Harry, and everyone realized he was right.

"Maybe…" said Opal and jumped out the window.

"You do realize we are on the 3rd floor"

They heard Opal curse as she hit the ground. Opal didn't die though (right away) she merely landed on her skull, developed an aneurysm, and then died.

"Ewww!" screamed Holly as she looked at Opal in disgust, "Maybe we should call an ambulance."

"Hmmm…NAW!" Harry then decided it was time for him to go.

"Bye everyone, it was…err…fun…"

"By-" Holly suddenly stopped she first looked confused then mad.

"I TOLD FOALY NO MORE EXPIRIMENTS!" Holly notices she is holding strange potato, "What the fudge is going on her where the heck did this stupid potato come from…"

"He's your phensay" said Artemis, holding back laughter.

"I am gonna kill that miserable excuse for a centaur I told him I don't want any happiness rejuvenation!" then killed Bob by stomping on him. She growled out of the house.

"Finally, peace!" said Artemis as he headed to his computer. He turned it on then realized…it was in Japanese…


	2. Fowl Satuday

Well here i am again writing another pointless fanfiction. Just so you know Holly doesn't act like an idiot this time.

I don't own Artemis Fowl or Harry Potter and if i did i would me a rich girl!

I do own Bob and Mr...umm well i am not even going to attempt it...

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Fowl Saturday

Artemis was lying on his bed thinking of yesterday's…err…incident…when suddenly there was a knock at his door.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"Artemis…there is…someone…here to see you…" said Butler in a different tone than you usually heard from Butler.

"Send him in!"

The door opened and Artemis gasped. There stood a 3ft tall penguin hopped into his room. The penguin almost seemed elegant if not for the spaghetti sauce splattered around his beak.

"Butler, did you feed the penguin our leftovers from lunch?" They had had spaghetti and meatballs for lunch and apparently so had the penguin.

"Umm…well…maybe…" Artemis's eyes stared at him motionless, unfeeling. "OK! He was just too cute! He asked for some!"

"THAT WAS MY SPEGGETTI! JULIET MADE IT SPECIALLY! I JUST WANTED TO SAVE IT IN THE SAFETY OF MY REFRIDGERATOR, BUT NO. YOU HAVE TO GO AND GIVE IT TO EVERY BLASTED PENGUIN THAT COMES INTO THE HOUSE!" Artemis blinked surprised at the volume of his own voice. Then he went back to his normal tone. "What is a penguin doing here anyway?"

"It said it wanted to see you sir."

"What!"

"Ummm…I can speak penguin sir and it told me it wanted to see you…"

"YOU CAN SPEAK WHAT!"

"Penguin…sir…"

"Where did you learn to speak penguin?" Artemis was beginning to think today was going to end up like yesterday… (Read chapter 1 to find out more)

"I would appreciate it if we stayed off that subject…"

"I see…"

"Beep" said the penguin.

"Butler let me speak to Mr.…."

"Mr.Riggotenyeti." said Butler.

"What!"

"That is his name sir…"

"Never mind!" Could you please leave me and Mr. Raccoon-spaghetti alone?"

"No its--" Artemis cut him off by slamming the door in his face. Then he looked into the penguin's eyes. The penguin saw it flicker as if flames had begun inside his very mind. The penguin gulped.

"So Mr.Jazzy-franketi how did you like my spaghetti?"

"Beep."

"Was it tasty?"

"Beep."

"Do you want more?

"Beep."

"Well answer me!"

"Beep."

"This is not getting anywhere…" Artemis said to himself. "Who do you work for?"

"Beep."

"'Beep' is that who you work for?"

"Beep."

"Answer me you damn bird!"

"Beep…" The penguin began to cry…very loudly…Then suddenly Butler burst in and said, "Artemis! You have gone too far! I am taking Mr. Riggotenyeti and bringing him to the salon where we can get our feathers fluffed."

"BEEP!" the penguin cried but to no avail. He was being carried of by some old human and was going to get his feathers fluffed. Great.

Artemis looked around. He found himself alone. Artemis panicked and ran straight into the entrance hall, but he didn't stop there! Artemis ran all the way to Tara and down the shute. (He jumped down if you must know)

Holly was sitting in her office sitting at her computer. Usually she would be out on patrol but today was the day that she had to watch the shute scanner. She was bored out of her mind so she made little origami elves out of her report and began to play with them. She felt eyes on the back of her neck and turned slowly around…ROOT!

"Oh dear…" Holly muttered to herself.

"GRRRRR!"

There was a long argument with Holly and Root. The argument involved a lot of cursing.

"Agh!" said Holly then banged her head on the desk.

She looked up at the screen and saw a figure falling down the shute. She looked at it carefully. It was too big to be a fairy. It had to be a human. She knew who it was.

"ARTEMIS!" she growled. Holly is having a bad day. She checked the monitor again. Something was coming out of the mudboy.

"DAMMIT!" Artemis yelled as he wet his pants. "Juliet will never let me live this down!"

Suddenly a blur picked up Artemis, it was Holly of course.

"Ewww, why are you all wet?"

"Ummm…"

"EEEEEWW!" Holly dropped Artemis down the shute.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Ewww!" screamed Holly as she tried to clean her hands.

"Is there anyone who can save me!"

There was a great flash and Harry Potter was there holding him up with his wand.

"What took you so long?" said Artemis.

"Well it is a lot harder to use Floo powder to get here through magma than a fireplace.

Artemis paled.

"Did you say magma?" said Artemis"

"How do you expect me to get here?"

"I don't know but please tell me that there is now flare coming up from under us."

Harry looks down.

"Oh shoot! I mean there is no flares coming to get us."

Harry ran with Artemis floating beside him up the shute.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!" screamed Holly who seemed to be trying to claw her hands off.

"RUN!" screamed both Harry and Artemis.

"Holy----!" Holly never got to finish as she was engulfed by magma.

Harry backed against a wall. Artemis was bawling and was in hysterics.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" said Artemis.

"Get a hold of yourself man!"

"You're right…WE ARE GONNA DIE! IT'LL TAKE A MIRACLE TO SAVE US NOW!"

Suddenly a penguin came out of the surging magma flares. The penguin was covered in makeup and its feathers were pink and fluffy. The oddest part though was that it was floating out of the magma.

"It is Mr. Whifiytsufa-machin!" cried Artemis.

"WHAT?" said Harry.

"Long story. (Which you just read!)"

"BEEP!" said the penguin.

And magicallyish stuff flew out of his wings and into the magma and pulled out a black crumbly, coughing Holly.

The penguin brought them all back to Artemis's house where they all had more spaghetti! (I must want some spaghetti.) Butler was there too. His skin was completely pink and Artemis was trying to think of a way to get rid of it. When the doorbell rang.

"I will get it!" said Holly. Holly went to the door realizing that she can't open it because she is a fairy. "Maybe I can't get it…"

"Who is it?" Artemis yelled from the kitchen.

"Ummm…I am…the pizza guy! Yeah the pizza guy!"

"Come in!" Artemis said. Then he realized something. "Did any of you order pizza?" No one answered. Then someone blasted the door open. After the smoke cleared they saw it.

"BOB!" everyone cried.

"I thought Holly smashed you!" only after Artemis said this did he realize how stupid he sounded. Then he hit himself in the head. Wow, today is turning out like yesterday.

The potato had on a spandex superman costume with goggles. He looked as if he had been sown together with a needle and thread.

"Holly, my darling marry, me!" said Bob.

"You have got to be kidding me." said Holly in a monotonous voice. The potato used some kind of grappling hook gadget to grab a screaming Holly and fling her into the air. He then caught her in a potato bag…(ironic isn't it?)

"Mefeplp Mesh!" screamed Holly from inside the bag.

"Holly!" yelled Artemis. Then the potato broke through the ceiling and flew away. "NOOO!"

By the time he was finished screaming the two had disappeared into the clouds.

"I swear I will find you Holly!" said Artemis, tears streaming down his face.

"Beep beep!" said the penguin. Artemis turned to yell at the penguin but then stopped. He looked at the penguin with a malicious sneer, one he hadn't had in quite a while.

"I believe I have a plan…" He then stared at the penguin. The penguin gulped down the rest of his spaghetti.


	3. Fowl Sunday

Fowl Sunday

Artemis was standing in the kitchen with Harry, Penguin (new name), and Butler. Juliet was making their lunches while the boys talked about rescuing Holly from the clutches of the evil potato, Bob. Then the conversation kinda got off subject when Harry mentioned Hogwarts. Then they started talking about school, and then…girls(which Juliet didn't appreciate to the least).

"I have a girlfriend, her name is Ginny." Harry bragged.

"Oh wow, you may have Ginny but I have fan girls." Bragged on Artemis.

"So do I!" Harry barked back.

Then outside the stalker fan girls finally found Fowl Manor…oh dear…

"Do you hear something?" said Butler.

"OH NO!" cried Artemis and Harry, "They've found us again!"

Then the door suddenly creaked obviously bearing an uncountable amount of weight. Juliet decided this was a good time to leave. Butler seemed to agree, he hid in the cupboard.

"EEEEEEEK!" screamed the fan girls as they burst through the door and pounced upon Artemis and Harry. The girls took out their scissors and cameras and began taking as much as they could.

"MASTER ARTEMIS!" screamed an upset Butler. If Artemis died he wouldn't get paid!

The fan girls turned around…then attacked Butler. Butler didn't want to kill the idiotic girls, but knocking them out was okay. Butler attacked and all the girls fell slowly to the ground. They never had a chance.

Artemis and Harry stood in the middle of the room totally naked except for the mountain of fan girls on top of them.

"HELP US!" screamed the two and Butler immediately whipped out a couple of wigs from his pocket.

"Where on earth did you get these and why are you carrying them in your pocket?" asked Artemis.

"Umm…"

"People this is getting a little weird." Said a voice coming from the penguin, then they realized…it was the penguin!

"AHH! YOU CAN TALK!"

"Beep," Said penguin, "and by the way my name is Fred."

Artemis was stunned. This defied everything he ever learned, like, ever.

"B-but you…"

"Beep."

"ARGH!"

Then the group got back on subject. How do they rescue Holly. Artemis had a plan already. He shared it with everyone. Everyone loved it…except the penguin, I mean Fred.

O O O

Bob was sitting in a big fluffy armchair. He abandoned his superman outfit and was now wearing a James Bond costume. Holly sighed in her big fluffy armchair…with ropes keeping her in the chair…

"Holly please sign the form so we can be married!" said Bob. Then Holly looked at him straight in the eyes and stared coldly at him.

"GRRRR! You stupid potato! I love potatoes not because they are cute but because they taste great and you…aren't tasty to say the least….although I am hungry…"

Holly eyed the potato hungrily.

"Well…um…I…will make you the most delicious plant growth formula you have ever had!" said Bob. He hurriedly ran off to the kitchen where Holly heard him say, "Now where did I put that manure…Ah ha! here it is…"

Holly thought she was going to be sick as he turned on the blender and she heard the globs of …well…if you ever read the back of fertilizer or plant growth stuff then you'll know…

Then the doorbell rang. Bob yelled, "I'll get it!" He ran to the front door and said, "Who is it?

"Beep."

"Beep? Beep who?"

"Beep you!"

"WHY YOU!" Bob swung open the door to yell at the big meanie on the other side. Then he saw a strange sight, "A penguin?"

"Well obviously, your mother must be so proud that you can name the animals. Can you name foods?"

"What!"

"I am designing a menu for our new fast food restaurant."

Bob shuddered; they were going to eat more of his kind!

"How dare you!" he shouted.

Then an evil grin crossed Fred's beak…or maybe it was drool…

"EEEK!" screamed Bob as Fred picked him up with his beak and began cutting him up.

"Yay!" yelled everyone. Bob was in strips on the ground. They defeated him!

EPILOGE

Holly was rescued from the house and was treated at the LEP operation unit for the inhaling of toxic substances…she was alright after three days in intensive care…but they had to burn her uniform…

Artemis, Harry, Butler, and Fred opened a fast food chain using Bob to help make their first batch of French fries. They became very successful over the years and there are more than one hundred thousand stores around the world to day.

They called it T.G. I. F. It stands for…

THANK GOD IT'S FOWL.

THE END!


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